Anyway, the other night, I got home late. It was dark, and my pets were waiting for me. In order to get into my apartment, I have to go down a flight of stairs. Usually my dog is right by the door, prepared to spring himself at me to express his joy. On this night, however, he wasn't. Quickly I went down and opened the door... and the noise hit me. Clark was hissing, Lewis was yapping his little head off. Heart pounding, I rushed into the living room, thinking someone had to be breaking in.
And someone had.
And someone had.
Yes, you read that right. A freaking bat was in my apartment. It was darting around the ceiling in a frenzy. Clark was leaping up into the air in a wild attempt to kill. Lewis was running in circles, as if that would accomplish something. I screamed and recoiled against the wall. For a minute I had absolutely no idea what to do. So of course the first solution that came to mind was... call a guy. I know. Pathetic. But the guy in my life who has handled these things in the past couldn't save me from the oh-so-deadly flying rodent. I hung up the phone, still panicking.
That's when I saw the couch pillows. I got an idea. I edged around the chaos, pressed to that wall like it was some kind of safe zone, and reached the couch. For a moment I continued shrieking like a little girl. Then I picked up my pretty flowered pillow, squeezed my eyes shut, and mustered the courage to chuck the thing at the bat.
Like an airplane hit by a meteor, the tiny creature crashed to the ground. While it was dazed and immobile, I grappled for something to throw over it. And all I could think of was... pants. So, logically, I unbuttoned and yanked my jeans off. The bat uttered a loud protest as I made its denim prison. I proceeded - still screaming, by the way - to scoop the squirming bundle up, thunder back up the stairs, and toss it outside. I slammed the door and tried not to hyperventilate. "You did it. You are a strong, independent woman," I kept chanting, some kind of weird mantra.
Lewis and Clark needed comforting, of course, and I needed to disinfect the ceiling, so I didn't let myself think about how the bat actually got in. I had to be strong.
But I still didn't go back for the pants until morning.